Darren's Boyfriend's Gay/Suicide Info Web Page

This page is written for the early teenager who has perhaps discovered he is gay, and doesn't feel to comfortable about it. It also has information for homophobes, suicidal people, and people who have had to deal with someone who has commited suicide. It is also a tribute to Darren.

Who was Darren?

Darren was my boyfriend. We met during the Summer holidays of 1997, he was 15 and I was 16. I told my best friend I fancied him, and he went and told him - it was planned, but I didn't expect it to work so well! We went out for just under a year. On Friday 6th February, at 4pm, he killed himself. He wrote me a suicide note - which his mother witheld until the day of his birthday (August 1st). It read:

I still miss him, a lot. When I first put this page up, it had been 9 months since his death, but I still can't get used to it, even now. He was going to come to college with me, perhaps even University if we were still together and set up in business for ourselves. It has left my life partly empty, not only when he did it, but now, and I suspect for the rest of my life.

Why did he kill himself?

It is still something that is fairly unclear to me, our friends and his family. It was a combination of reasons I think. First of all, he wasn't happy being gay; he could never quite get used to himself. Another reason was that I was the only person that accepted what he was. Everyone else either avoided him because of his sexuality, or constantly abused him; beating him (and me) up, screaming obscenities, etc etc. He feared telling his mother because of what her reaction would have been. He was gay, and no one could accept it - that was him and everyone hated him for it.

The other reason was that a very good friend of his died in a road accident. It was sudden, and unexpected, as are most deaths. He'd taken time off school to deal with it, which I think for him wasn't the best idea. He was home alone, trying to deal with his feelings as best he could. He turned to drugs and alcohol. I tried to see him as much as possible, to help him. I even talked to him over the Internet moments before his suicide. Obviously I still blame myself for this.

What are my feelings now?

I was told by a counciller to write a letter to Darren. At first I thought this was a stupid idea - I reminded her that he was dead! But it was a good outlet for my feelings, and a method of sorting out what really was going on in my head. It was very difficult for me - it made me realise that I hated Darren for what he did. Don't get me wrong, I know that when you reach that stage there is very little chance of seeing other options (I've been there), but he still went ahead and did it. Someone told me it was touching that he wrote me a letter before doing it - it shows that he was thinking of me at the time. But if he was thinking of me, do I mean so little to him that he can just chuck in his life? It made me realise that I hated not only him, but me for letting it happen, and the people that constantly abused him because of his beliefs. Of course I still miss him, if he was here now I would take him into my arms, no questions asked. But that's the source of my anger - what he did was so... permanent.

What is it to be gay?

To be gay is to have a sexual attraction to people of the same sex as you, rather than the opposite sex. Many people carry the belief that gay people fancy everyone of the same sex - and steer clear of them. That is so wrong! Just like hetrosexuals, homosexuals have preferences too, not just "stick it in any old hole" - in fact I'm gay, and I'm the most picky person of anyone I know when it comes to fancying someone! I spend every day in college, and out of nearly 4000 students, I've found only one person that I like, and I don't like my chances, so I've (almost!) forgotten about him.

I think everybody has a bit of "gay" in them. Most of us wouldn't want to admit it - not even to ourselves, but it's something I believe in. A girl blurted that out in a Maths class of mine, I agreed and like everyone else didn't want to admit it, but something inside me said "go bright red", which I did. Everyone decided I was gay.

Advice to homophobes

It is understandable to feel slightly uneasy about another person of the same sex having feelings for you. But if they ask you out, simply tell them you're not that way inclined. I remember a friend of mine (who didn't know I was gay) frantically running home from a club one night, and saying "Help, a gay bloke asked me out!". He felt uneasy about the situation. But why? If a gay expresses his/her feelings about you, be flattered - by all means tell them its not for you, but be flattered, it could just as easily have been someone of the opposite sex.

If you feel very strongly about homosexuals, and you come across a gay person, don't abuse them. Please don't. They haven't done anything to you - if you feel unbearably uncomfortable around gay people, just walk away. I've had bricks through my window because of my sexual preference. It might not sound too bad to you - but just imagine a brick being thrown through your window right now. You run to the window to see, and a car revs it's engine before screeching off. You hear abuse being yelled out the window at you. The police couldn't do anything - I knew who it was but I couldn't prove it. I have done nothing what-so-ever to them, in fact I was even their friends for a while, but they decided to take out their feelings on me. And that's a large part of Darren's pain too - no one able to accept him.

Advice to homosexuals

You might be 8 years old, or nearing the end of your teens, or even entering your 20's when you realise you could be gay. There are different ways people handle that - sometimes they're completely okay with it, but others can have difficulty getting used to it. But this isn't something you need to deal with yourself. There are many people you can talk to - councillers, teachers, friends (if you trust them), and your parents if you believe they will be okay about it. A lot of people think their parents will go through the roof - it might be an idea to keep it to yourself for a while, at least until you're sure. I can't give much advice on this, it depends on the situation.

If you can't deal with it yourself, you should talk to someone about it. Being gay isn't the end of the world - in fact far from it. My experience isn't the best example though, I've been through quite a bit. But I'm still here, and as I get older, and my friends get older, they will understand better. People are usually more accepting as they get older, at school or college it might be difficult, but when you reach University or a job, it should become a lot easier. Saying that, I knew a few gay friends still at school, even at the age of 13 - and everybody is still good friends with them, accepting it without any problems. A good example is a 15 year old I know - everybody he knows loves him! Including me, but I won't go into that ;)

Advice to any depressed readers

You might be feeling depressed for many reasons - I will assume that because you're reading this page, it's because you're gay. Whether it be a small depression, or a suicidal feeling, you should think about getting help. There are a lot of options available to you. If it is a minor depression, or a medium one lasting a few days, I have a few things that cheer me up:

If your depression is more severe, you'll be needing more severe methods of tackling it. But don't dismiss the examples I've given above - at least try them. They won't work for everybody, but it's worth trying. If not, don't worry. There is always an answer. With the help of this page, we can launch a full scale war against your depression; and you'll win. We'll make you happy again!

The next step is to confront your depression. Not so much your depression itself, but what is causing it. Have a think of what's been happening in your life recently, and write a list of the problems that may have caused your depression. It's now time to do something about it - work your way through the list, sorting out the problems, and ticking them off one by one. You can do it immediately, or over a day or week. But make sure the problems are sorted. Once they are, you should feel better for it - you now don't have any problems!

If you can't sort out the problems by yourself, it might be time to talk to someone about it. There are many places to look for help. Try looking close to you at first - your friends and family. Ask them if they would mind spending an hour or so with you - they might be able to throw a new perspective on things. The main aim is to sort out the problems together - if you can't get rid of the depression, aim for the heart of the problem.

You might feel that parents, brothers or sisters, friends or teachers aren't the right people to talk to. Does your school or college have a counciller? If they do, have a visit. Don't be ashamed - everyone has problems they need to deal with, and it is a lot easier to do with help. I visit my counciller regularly - although she can't give advice, she asks questions about what has been happening, and it helps me understand it more; to put it in some sort of logical order. Sometimes they aren't able to give advice, like my counciller, but it does help your brain understand what is happening - it puts everything in order and into perspective. If your college or school doesn't have a counciller, you can write or telephone to a number of organisations. Details are given below.

I might not have inspired ideas for you to deal with your depression, or to bother dealing with it at all. I am very sorry I haven't managed to help - but please don't give up hope. Below are a list of links to other web sites about depression. Take the time to read through a few of those - they have different perspectives on depression and how to deal with it - one that might help you. But don't give up.

Links to other gay information web sites

Niklas Home Page (http://www.cosmic78.com/niklas/)
Excellent cartoon about gay youth. Highly recommended!!!

Chronology of Outrage! (http://members.aol.com/sisfridge/)
Brief history of Queer non-violent UK direct action group

London Lesbian & Gay Switchboard (http://www.llgs.org.uk)
24 hour information, support and referral service for gays and lesbians. Any questions? Just ask!

Coming Out and Staying Out Guide (http://www.gmhp.demon.co.uk/coming-out/)
UK Guide for gay and bisexual men gives straightforward advice for coming out to friends and family

Straight Answers (http://www.sipu.com/sa/)
Questions straight people ask about gay life and how gay people can answer them. Encourages readers to contribute questions and comments

Gayworld (http://www.gayworld.net)
Excellent resources! Just about everything you could need is on this site.

GayYouth (http://www.gayyouth.org)
With a little bit more work this site could be excellent. It has some good resources for the gay youth out there. Hopefully soon I will be a part of the web team! :)

Yahoo UK & Ireland Youth Gays/Lesbians/Bisexuals Resources (Click here - URL too long to fit!)
Excellent resource for the Gay youth - giving links to every type of information you could need

Links to personal gay web sites

Chad (http://members.xoom.com/chaddd/)
Justin (http://www.angelfire.com/ct/justnsane)
Bren (http://www.geocities.com/westhollywood/stonewall/6078)
Andy (http://www.cyberramp.net/~aprimm/)
CanGuy (http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/9461)
Chris (http://members.xoom.com/KenroG/Welcome.htm)
Snoopy (http://www.ollp.demon.co.uk)
Robby (http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Village/5732)
Dusty (http://www.cyberforks.net/dusty)
Ryan (http://members.xoom.com/RyanFL/aboutme.html)
Greg (http://www.umich.edu/~gregs/homepage/)
Firefox (http://koko.cioe.com/~firefox)
Organa (http://organa.home.ml.org/)

Gay people can have fun too

Nifty Stories Archive (http://www.nifty.org)
Huge collection of stories for hetrosexuals, gays, bis, infact anyone! Well organised, well worth a look

Gay.Com (http://www.gay.com)
Lots of resources for gay people - especially in America

GayTeenChat.Com (www.gayteenchat.com)
This is my own web site. At the moment it contains information and software for my gay teen chat
room (NO sex!). It's a friendly place to hang out, so come and join us. Over the next year, the site will become
something along the lines of Gay.Com for teens - with help resources, java chat, local youth organisation guide
and so on.

Rainbow Query (http://www.rainbowquery.com)
Search engine for gay/lesbian/bisexual resources on the Internet

Links to sites helping to deal with depression

Suicide Loss (http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Hills/8416/Poem.html)
A place for those who have lossed a loved one, to share their feelings and thoughts with others

Suicide: Read This First (http://www.metanoia.org/suicide)
If you're considering suicide, please do as the title says. It stopped me - so give it a chance

Yahoo UK & Ireland Depression and Suicide Resources (Click here - URL too long to fit!)
Information and resources for the suicidal and depressed, with a whole section for the young

Professional organisations to deal with depression

Samaritans UK (http://www.samaritans.org.uk/)
Providing 24 hour support to the suicidal and desparing. Provides telephone support in the UK

Infoline (http://www.infoline.org)
A phone-based service providing information and referral to community resources, child care options, crisis intervention and suicide prevention

ChildLine (Address unknown - telephone 0800 1111 in the UK)
Advice for children having difficulties. 24 hour service - often busy, please keep trying

A last word from the author

Thanks for reading this page! You might be wondering why I did it. Well after Darren's suicide, I feel so guilty for what he did - like it's my fault. Some say I shouldn't, some say I should (his brother for example). But I feel that a way of dealing with some of this guilt is to help other people - if I can help other people to get over their depression, I might not be such a failure after all. It's a two way street, I help people to get over their depression, and at the same time get satisfaction and gratification from it. I think that some might say this is selfish, I hope you don't feel the same.

You might also be wondering why I would like to remain anonymous. I've gained a lot of friends in this world - many of whom I care for deeply. But then again, I've gained a lot of enemies too. And although most of them seem to be behind me, I'm just keeping my profile low. Only a handful of trusted people know who I am, and I like it that way. Sorry! There are a handful of people I don't want knowing these inner parts of my feelings.

I have put up a web page of poetry I have written since the death of Darren - if you want to take a look, click here. Not many do, but it's a nice thought.

I'm sorry, but I no longer have an e-mail address. I am leaving the country until January 2000, and will have no access to the Net until then! I have no idea how I'll cope, but I'm sure it'll do me good.

Thanks again for reading, and stay happy! And if you can't stay happy, well, at least stay alive. Lots of love.

P.S. At the bottom I have included some images of organisations I believe in. You are free to use them, and link to their site as I have done. The final one was created by myself. Obviously Darren was very personal to me, and it wouldn't be right to ask you to use it on your page just because I lost a friend. But I'm hoping that the image will not only represent the memory of Darren, but also as a mark of his pain and suffering - a reminder to people what happens to those who need help, and don't get it. A reminder of what happens when people are constantly victimised and abused. Maybe you would like to use this image on your web page and link to the following address: http://members.tripod.com/~DarrenBF/linked.html. It would be greatly appreciated if you did.

How to contact the author

You can sign my guestbook here, leaving me a public or private message. Alternatively I can be found on #gayteenchat on Efnet IRC (please note this is just a friendly chat channel, no sex!), under the nickname Squish187. I also have an ICQ account, and here is the account control panel to contact me:

What's new (31st July 1999)